Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
