That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
