and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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