My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
