Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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