I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
