You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
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At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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