I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
