Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
