ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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