There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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