I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
