Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
