I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
In other news, I just burned my penis
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
