I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
