I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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