i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
