I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
