Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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