You can't motorboat a personality
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
