i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
