I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
