Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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