Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
