; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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