4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
