Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
