I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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