Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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