Heybabeimwearingurpanties
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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