You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
