R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
