You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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