I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
