did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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