you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
