tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
