I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
