Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
