I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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