my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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