when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize