; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
