Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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