So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Randomize
