no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
