I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
