why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
