She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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