I wish you could order shots online.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
