Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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