Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
