A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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