plz talk dirty to me
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
