TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
