At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
