i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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