It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
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Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
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He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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